Letting go

I had a dream about you last night. It seems strange to hear your voice and see your face. You actually smiled at me. It's been a long time since I've seen you, let alone your smile, but there it was. It felt warm, inviting, and playful. I haven’t dreamt of you in a long time. Previous dreams of you felt angry and hateful. In fact, I would wake up from those dreams upset and wishing I hadn’t dreamt at all. Wishing I could remove your face from my memory. This time was different. It was cordial, we smiled we joked, and I no longer felt like I was filled with anger and hurt. Does this mean I am finally letting go of the anger and hurt? I’m not sure. I hope so. It’s been a heavy burden to carry around. There have been some very dark times for me personally, and I know this is not your fault; it’s all how I felt about myself. However, I know I should have left this burden long ago, but I didn’t know how to let it go. Holding onto it was all I had to keep you in my heart, in my memories. Many things have happened in life since I’ve last seen you. Some good, some bad, and one that is so wonderful it has completely changed my life and who I feel I am as a person. You will always hold a special place in my heart and memory. I think of you fondly.

It's your loss not mine

Why do I feel guilty on your behalf? I said "no" that's why. I stood up for him and for myself. I told you more than once that it's time for you to step up and make the effort. The difference between this time and before you ask? This time I actually mean it and will not give in. You have only made the effort ONCE. YOU need to step up and take responsibility. YOU are the one who needs to make the effort. I have done enough and cannot/will not make the effort for you any longer. HE will see, know, learn who is there for him and who isn't. HE will see learn know, who is willing to make the effort for him and who uses him a novelty for attention. There is always an excuse, and ususally it's the same excuse everytime. However, if you really want something bad enough, YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN. He deserves eveything we have to give him, but you don't seem to be able to see past the person in the mirror. It's too bad. I'm tired of feeling guilty on your behalf. YOU are the one missing out, not me.

Reflection

Sometimes you have to look back on your own actions to see how you ended up where you are at this very moment. You have to see what actions you took that worked for you and the ones that didn't. You have to realize the mistakes you made and thank the people who tried to warn you. And then you have to decide how you are going to move forward and make things better for yourself.

It's a good day!

The past week and a half has been a rough one for me emotionally. I’ve been angry, bitter, and sad (and sick). We all go through those periods of reflection where we have to figure out what is best for us. After lots of reflection, I have realized that I am holding onto things I need to let go. Things that weren’t meant to be. Things I thought I wanted, but really I don’t. Yesterday something small and minute happened and it upset me, put me in a bad mood. But then as I was browsing status updates on FB something caught my eye. A friend of mine simply posted “Good Morning Friends. Today is a good day.” I stopped on this immediately. It caught my eye and I realized that even though I wasn’t feeling well, and I was now in a little upset, the day is what I make of it. If I choose for it to be a good day, it will be. If I dwell on the unpleasant, then that makes for a long, tiring, unpleasant day. It’s funny how the simplest things can change your whole outlook. Today I have things going on that I don’t want to do, people I don’t want to see, situations I don’t want to be in. But, even so, I choose to be happy. Today is a good day.

This too shall pass

This morning I woke up angry. Like really angry. The mere thought of what's bothering me made my stomach and heart feel like it was on fire. I HATE feeling this way. I HATE it. And honestly I don't know what do do about it. I know eventually it will fade away, but what do I do until then? How do I keep my son from sensing these feelings I have boiling under the surface? I do my best when I am around him to push everything out of my mind and just focus on him, and for the most part I feel I am successful in doing that. But how do I keep it from surfacing when he isn't around? Especially in times where my brain has time to ponder on all the things going on? Like when Im driving in the car,before I go to sleep at night (if I can sleep that is, lately I'm having trouble doing that also). I just need to keep telling myself, this too shall pass.

Caught Up

I have to admit it. I momentarily got caught up in the words I was being fed, even when there was no action to support or back up those words. It was hard not to get swept away in the words and the way they made me feel. Especially when I look at a reminder of this person daily, it just made me want what was being said so badly. Sadly the attention felt good, but you can only fool yourself for so long before you need to snap yourself back to reality and look at the facts and truth that are right in front of your eyes. I’m just glad it didn’t take me too long to figure it out. It’s funny how the heart wants something even when the brain knows it’s bad for you. Why does it seem that our hearts and minds sometime speak two different languages? I wanted so badly to listen to my heart, but my brain knew different, and in the end it was right. What makes people so cruel? They think they can play with your heart and emotions just for their own entertainment. Why? What do they gain from causing pain to others? To me it just shows how sad and dissatisfied they are with their own lives. However, they can only do that to you if you allow them to. And I am done allowing it. It’s a new year and my resolution this year is to start loving myself more. To start believing that I really do deserve the things I want for myself and my son. Especially for my son. My focus should not be on love or a man to love. I realized I already have a man to love, Carter. What my focus needs to be on is the man I am raising him to be.

What I want.

Seems it's been a while since I've posted anything. I started this blog with the intention of giving myself a place to let it all out. To vent, to release my emotions. Writing used to help me do that when I was younger. I don't know why I cant keep up with doing that now. So much has changed since I last wrote. Carter was born. My wonderful, sweet, loving boy. I never thought I'd become a Mom, and I am so grateful I've been given the chance/blessing. My life will never again be the same, and that is a good thing. Before Carter came I was lost. I was lonely, hopeless, bored, and frustrated. My self esteem was at an all time low and I felt like I held no value to anyone, including myself. Throughout my pregnancy I realized that I needed to change how I view myself. Not only for me, but for this wonderful little boy. Because if I can't learn to love an value myself for who I am, and all the wonderful things I have to offer, how can I teach my son to see and value these things in himself? Now I just want to say that this was not an easy task to take on while going through a pregnancy alone. In fact my pregnancy was one of the lonliest times I have experienced in my entire life. I had no one to share the daily changes my body was going through with. No one to come home and talk to about all the wishes and worries I had for my child. And on top of it all, it seems that some of the people in my life, with whom I thought I was close, because distant and almost non-existant. It hurt to know they weren't there, but that is their choice and they are in now way obligated to support me. However, I wasnt completely alone and I had my family to support me, but it's not the same as having a significant other to share it with. Carter has shown me the meaning of true love. This perfect stranger who came into my life and who I loved instantly and whole heartedly. He's shownme that I do deserve to be loved and I have plenty of love to give. He's taught me patience (still working on that though lol) and for those of you who truely know me, you know Im a very impatient person. He's shown me that I do have value, even if at the very least it's only to him. But for some reason it still feels like something is missing. I want to love again. I want to be loved. I want someone who will show me affection, tell me I'm beautiful without having to ask (and they really mean it), someone to hold my hand and give me kisses for no reason. Someone who isn't ashamed to introduce me to their friends, someone who doesn't keep me hidden away like a secret. Someone who doesn't make me feel like they are ashamed to be seen with me in public. Someone who calls just because they miss the sound of my voice. Someone who will actually show me affection. I want these things because I deserve them. Let me say that again. I deserve them. For too long I have believed I don't deserve those things. For too long I thought I wasn't worthy of those simple things. For too long I allowed myself to be treated poorly, to be taken advantage of. I allowed it. I failed to place value on myself, on my heart. For that I am at fault.