Before Carter came I was lost. I was lonely, hopeless, bored, and frustrated. My self esteem was at an all time low and I felt like I held no value to anyone, including myself. Throughout my pregnancy I realized that I needed to change how I view myself. Not only for me, but for this wonderful little boy. Because if I can't learn to love an value myself for who I am, and all the wonderful things I have to offer, how can I teach my son to see and value these things in himself?
Now I just want to say that this was not an easy task to take on while going through a pregnancy alone. In fact my pregnancy was one of the lonliest times I have experienced in my entire life. I had no one to share the daily changes my body was going through with. No one to come home and talk to about all the wishes and worries I had for my child. And on top of it all, it seems that some of the people in my life, with whom I thought I was close, because distant and almost non-existant. It hurt to know they weren't there, but that is their choice and they are in now way obligated to support me. However, I wasnt completely alone and I had my family to support me, but it's not the same as having a significant other to share it with.
Carter has shown me the meaning of true love. This perfect stranger who came into my life and who I loved instantly and whole heartedly. He's shownme that I do deserve to be loved and I have plenty of love to give. He's taught me patience (still working on that though lol) and for those of you who truely know me, you know Im a very impatient person. He's shown me that I do have value, even if at the very least it's only to him. But for some reason it still feels like something is missing.
I want to love again. I want to be loved. I want someone who will show me affection, tell me I'm beautiful without having to ask (and they really mean it), someone to hold my hand and give me kisses for no reason. Someone who isn't ashamed to introduce me to their friends, someone who doesn't keep me hidden away like a secret. Someone who doesn't make me feel like they are ashamed to be seen with me in public. Someone who calls just because they miss the sound of my voice. Someone who will actually show me affection. I want these things because I deserve them. Let me say that again.
I deserve them.
For too long I have believed I don't deserve those things. For too long I thought I wasn't worthy of those simple things. For too long I allowed myself to be treated poorly, to be taken advantage of. I allowed it. I failed to place value on myself, on my heart. For that I am at fault.
Monday, December 17, 2012
What I want.
Seems it's been a while since I've posted anything. I started this blog with the intention of giving myself a place to let it all out. To vent, to release my emotions. Writing used to help me do that when I was younger. I don't know why I cant keep up with doing that now.
So much has changed since I last wrote. Carter was born. My wonderful, sweet, loving boy. I never thought I'd become a Mom, and I am so grateful I've been given the chance/blessing. My life will never again be the same, and that is a good thing.
Before Carter came I was lost. I was lonely, hopeless, bored, and frustrated. My self esteem was at an all time low and I felt like I held no value to anyone, including myself. Throughout my pregnancy I realized that I needed to change how I view myself. Not only for me, but for this wonderful little boy. Because if I can't learn to love an value myself for who I am, and all the wonderful things I have to offer, how can I teach my son to see and value these things in himself?
Now I just want to say that this was not an easy task to take on while going through a pregnancy alone. In fact my pregnancy was one of the lonliest times I have experienced in my entire life. I had no one to share the daily changes my body was going through with. No one to come home and talk to about all the wishes and worries I had for my child. And on top of it all, it seems that some of the people in my life, with whom I thought I was close, because distant and almost non-existant. It hurt to know they weren't there, but that is their choice and they are in now way obligated to support me. However, I wasnt completely alone and I had my family to support me, but it's not the same as having a significant other to share it with.
Carter has shown me the meaning of true love. This perfect stranger who came into my life and who I loved instantly and whole heartedly. He's shownme that I do deserve to be loved and I have plenty of love to give. He's taught me patience (still working on that though lol) and for those of you who truely know me, you know Im a very impatient person. He's shown me that I do have value, even if at the very least it's only to him. But for some reason it still feels like something is missing.
I want to love again. I want to be loved. I want someone who will show me affection, tell me I'm beautiful without having to ask (and they really mean it), someone to hold my hand and give me kisses for no reason. Someone who isn't ashamed to introduce me to their friends, someone who doesn't keep me hidden away like a secret. Someone who doesn't make me feel like they are ashamed to be seen with me in public. Someone who calls just because they miss the sound of my voice. Someone who will actually show me affection. I want these things because I deserve them. Let me say that again.
I deserve them.
For too long I have believed I don't deserve those things. For too long I thought I wasn't worthy of those simple things. For too long I allowed myself to be treated poorly, to be taken advantage of. I allowed it. I failed to place value on myself, on my heart. For that I am at fault.
Before Carter came I was lost. I was lonely, hopeless, bored, and frustrated. My self esteem was at an all time low and I felt like I held no value to anyone, including myself. Throughout my pregnancy I realized that I needed to change how I view myself. Not only for me, but for this wonderful little boy. Because if I can't learn to love an value myself for who I am, and all the wonderful things I have to offer, how can I teach my son to see and value these things in himself?
Now I just want to say that this was not an easy task to take on while going through a pregnancy alone. In fact my pregnancy was one of the lonliest times I have experienced in my entire life. I had no one to share the daily changes my body was going through with. No one to come home and talk to about all the wishes and worries I had for my child. And on top of it all, it seems that some of the people in my life, with whom I thought I was close, because distant and almost non-existant. It hurt to know they weren't there, but that is their choice and they are in now way obligated to support me. However, I wasnt completely alone and I had my family to support me, but it's not the same as having a significant other to share it with.
Carter has shown me the meaning of true love. This perfect stranger who came into my life and who I loved instantly and whole heartedly. He's shownme that I do deserve to be loved and I have plenty of love to give. He's taught me patience (still working on that though lol) and for those of you who truely know me, you know Im a very impatient person. He's shown me that I do have value, even if at the very least it's only to him. But for some reason it still feels like something is missing.
I want to love again. I want to be loved. I want someone who will show me affection, tell me I'm beautiful without having to ask (and they really mean it), someone to hold my hand and give me kisses for no reason. Someone who isn't ashamed to introduce me to their friends, someone who doesn't keep me hidden away like a secret. Someone who doesn't make me feel like they are ashamed to be seen with me in public. Someone who calls just because they miss the sound of my voice. Someone who will actually show me affection. I want these things because I deserve them. Let me say that again.
I deserve them.
For too long I have believed I don't deserve those things. For too long I thought I wasn't worthy of those simple things. For too long I allowed myself to be treated poorly, to be taken advantage of. I allowed it. I failed to place value on myself, on my heart. For that I am at fault.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Bitter Valentine
Ugh, Valentines Day. The one day a year that bring hyper awareness of being single. I feel bitter this year. Bitter because I am alone. Bitter because I put my heart out only to be used and walked on in return. A bitter reminder of all the hurt and lies I have endured. Can we fast forward through this day already? I've had enough.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What I miss
Feeling completely lonely today. When I say lonely, it's not that I feel I have no one to talk to, or anyone around me. I'm lonely like I am missing that special connection with someone. I miss holding hands, the whispers, hug, kisses. I miss the conversations, the inside jokes.
What I miss the most is feeling that I have that special someone in my life who gets ME. Someone who understands I am FAR from perfect, that I am stubborn, bitchy, & moody, and loves me for exactly who I am. Because they KNOW on the inside I am sensitive, loving, romantic, and mushy. I don't hide my soft side if you are worthy of seeing it.
I am however done with looking and am starting to lose faith in ever finding someone who will love me for me, through thick and thin. Maybe this wasn't in the plan for me, but sadly it is all I have ever wanted.
I'm tired of feeling broken, but it seems no matter what I try, I end up alone.
What I miss the most is feeling that I have that special someone in my life who gets ME. Someone who understands I am FAR from perfect, that I am stubborn, bitchy, & moody, and loves me for exactly who I am. Because they KNOW on the inside I am sensitive, loving, romantic, and mushy. I don't hide my soft side if you are worthy of seeing it.
I am however done with looking and am starting to lose faith in ever finding someone who will love me for me, through thick and thin. Maybe this wasn't in the plan for me, but sadly it is all I have ever wanted.
I'm tired of feeling broken, but it seems no matter what I try, I end up alone.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I'm a slacker!!
Wow it has been a really long time since I have posted anything!! So mmuch for posting everyday!! Although, I have been really busy. Softball season is in full swing and we are starting our summer season. Needless to say, I have been working both of my jobs 5 days a week and am pretty tired. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to.
The personal life is kind of non-existant right now. Meaning I am not dating anyone, and I am ok with that. Although, I do get kind of lonely and miss having a special someone to talk to or spend time with when I am not working. Kind of sucks, but I seem to be pretty comfortable with it. Guess that's part of the healing process too.
The thing is I want to date, but at the same time I don't want to date because I don't want to be hurt. I also am not going to settle for less than I deserve as I have in the past. I guess I don't know what I want right now, and that seems to be a pretty good reason not to date. I guess I'm just confused.
The personal life is kind of non-existant right now. Meaning I am not dating anyone, and I am ok with that. Although, I do get kind of lonely and miss having a special someone to talk to or spend time with when I am not working. Kind of sucks, but I seem to be pretty comfortable with it. Guess that's part of the healing process too.
The thing is I want to date, but at the same time I don't want to date because I don't want to be hurt. I also am not going to settle for less than I deserve as I have in the past. I guess I don't know what I want right now, and that seems to be a pretty good reason not to date. I guess I'm just confused.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Stress
Ok, so I haven't been sleeping well lately. The past 2 nights I have woken up at least 3 to 4 time through out the night. Maybe I'm stressing myself out. I have started to think about things in my life that aren't where they should be, and focusing on how to fix them.
It's definitly not going to be easy, but needs to be done. I just hope the people in my life understand what I have to do, and are understanding when I say I can't do things.
Finances are my major focus right now, and a lot of cut backs on things that are luxuries, is taking place. It's not that I don't want to do things with people, but I just cannot afford it right now. There is no reason I should have dug my hole as deep as I have. That being said it is fixable, even though it sometimes seems hopeless. I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and get er done!
It's definitly not going to be easy, but needs to be done. I just hope the people in my life understand what I have to do, and are understanding when I say I can't do things.
Finances are my major focus right now, and a lot of cut backs on things that are luxuries, is taking place. It's not that I don't want to do things with people, but I just cannot afford it right now. There is no reason I should have dug my hole as deep as I have. That being said it is fixable, even though it sometimes seems hopeless. I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and get er done!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The one
The heart is the tool of the soul
It tells you where to go.
Even when you're feeling bad,
and your head is saying no.
The feeling eventually goes away,
the pain begins to fade.
But in your mind you always say,
he's the one......that wouldn't stay.
It tells you where to go.
Even when you're feeling bad,
and your head is saying no.
The feeling eventually goes away,
the pain begins to fade.
But in your mind you always say,
he's the one......that wouldn't stay.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Just another day
Well it's just another day, nothing exciting or spectaular. In fact I have been feeling quite empty lately. Like I have no emotions, not happy, not sad, no anger...just nothing. I want to feel alive again. I miss the sparkle in my eyes.
Unfortunately, I do not know how to fix how I am feeling. Is this just the healing process of a shattered heart? Maybe. If so that is a good thing, that means I am letting go of the hurt and the pain (thank f-ing god) and moving on.
I am ready to feel normal again. I think people have noticed I'm not quite the same as I was. It is not my intention to act different. I want to be my old happy, goofy, sarcastic self. I just feel like all the flavor has been chewed out of my life right now.
I was thinking the other day how there is nothing I have in my life that I am passionate about doing. How sad is that? There are many things I would like to learn, along with thing I used to enjoy doing that I no longer do.
Lately I have been wanting to learn how to paint, but I don't know where to start. I also used to LOVE to shoot pool. But that is something that is better done with a worthy opponent, someone who will challenge me, to shapen my skills and step my game up. Taking pictures has also always seemed interesting to me, but that seems like it could get quite expensive. I have also enjoyed reading lately, but I have no idea what I would like to read next. I think I'm going to walk to the library tomorrow since it's right up the street and see if anything piques my interest.
So many things and I have no idea where to start.
Unfortunately, I do not know how to fix how I am feeling. Is this just the healing process of a shattered heart? Maybe. If so that is a good thing, that means I am letting go of the hurt and the pain (thank f-ing god) and moving on.
I am ready to feel normal again. I think people have noticed I'm not quite the same as I was. It is not my intention to act different. I want to be my old happy, goofy, sarcastic self. I just feel like all the flavor has been chewed out of my life right now.
I was thinking the other day how there is nothing I have in my life that I am passionate about doing. How sad is that? There are many things I would like to learn, along with thing I used to enjoy doing that I no longer do.
Lately I have been wanting to learn how to paint, but I don't know where to start. I also used to LOVE to shoot pool. But that is something that is better done with a worthy opponent, someone who will challenge me, to shapen my skills and step my game up. Taking pictures has also always seemed interesting to me, but that seems like it could get quite expensive. I have also enjoyed reading lately, but I have no idea what I would like to read next. I think I'm going to walk to the library tomorrow since it's right up the street and see if anything piques my interest.
So many things and I have no idea where to start.
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