What I miss

Feeling completely lonely today. When I say lonely, it's not that I feel I have no one to talk to, or anyone around me. I'm lonely like I am missing that special connection with someone. I miss holding hands, the whispers, hug, kisses. I miss the conversations, the inside jokes.

What I miss the most is feeling that I have that special someone in my life who gets ME. Someone who understands I am FAR from perfect, that I am stubborn, bitchy, & moody, and loves me for exactly who I am. Because they KNOW on the inside I am sensitive, loving, romantic, and mushy. I don't hide my soft side if you are worthy of seeing it.

I am however done with looking and am starting to lose faith in ever finding someone who will love me for me, through thick and thin. Maybe this wasn't in the plan for me, but sadly it is all I have ever wanted.

I'm tired of feeling broken, but it seems no matter what I try, I end up alone.

I'm a slacker!!

Wow it has been a really long time since I have posted anything!! So mmuch for posting everyday!! Although, I have been really busy. Softball season is in full swing and we are starting our summer season. Needless to say, I have been working both of my jobs 5 days a week and am pretty tired. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to.

The personal life is kind of non-existant right now. Meaning I am not dating anyone, and I am ok with that. Although, I do get kind of lonely and miss having a special someone to talk to or spend time with when I am not working. Kind of sucks, but I seem to be pretty comfortable with it. Guess that's part of the healing process too.

The thing is I want to date, but at the same time I don't want to date because I don't want to be hurt. I also am not going to settle for less than I deserve as I have in the past. I guess I don't know what I want right now, and that seems to be a pretty good reason not to date. I guess I'm just confused.

Stress

Ok, so I haven't been sleeping well lately. The past 2 nights I have woken up at least 3 to 4 time through out the night. Maybe I'm stressing myself out. I have started to think about things in my life that aren't where they should be, and focusing on how to fix them.

It's definitly not going to be easy, but needs to be done. I just hope the people in my life understand what I have to do, and are understanding when I say I can't do things.

Finances are my major focus right now, and a lot of cut backs on things that are luxuries, is taking place. It's not that I don't want to do things with people, but I just cannot afford it right now. There is no reason I should have dug my hole as deep as I have. That being said it is fixable, even though it sometimes seems hopeless. I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and get er done!

The one

The heart is the tool of the soul
It tells you where to go.
Even when you're feeling bad,
and your head is saying no.

The feeling eventually goes away,
the pain begins to fade.
But in your mind you always say,
he's the one......that wouldn't stay.

Just another day

Well it's just another day, nothing exciting or spectaular. In fact I have been feeling quite empty lately. Like I have no emotions, not happy, not sad, no anger...just nothing. I want to feel alive again. I miss the sparkle in my eyes.

Unfortunately, I do not know how to fix how I am feeling. Is this just the healing process of a shattered heart? Maybe. If so that is a good thing, that means I am letting go of the hurt and the pain (thank f-ing god) and moving on.

I am ready to feel normal again. I think people have noticed I'm not quite the same as I was. It is not my intention to act different. I want to be my old happy, goofy, sarcastic self. I just feel like all the flavor has been chewed out of my life right now.

I was thinking the other day how there is nothing I have in my life that I am passionate about doing. How sad is that? There are many things I would like to learn, along with thing I used to enjoy doing that I no longer do.

Lately I have been wanting to learn how to paint, but I don't know where to start. I also used to LOVE to shoot pool. But that is something that is better done with a worthy opponent, someone who will challenge me, to shapen my skills and step my game up. Taking pictures has also always seemed interesting to me, but that seems like it could get quite expensive. I have also enjoyed reading lately, but I have no idea what I would like to read next. I think I'm going to walk to the library tomorrow since it's right up the street and see if anything piques my interest.

So many things and I have no idea where to start.

I wear my heart on my sleeve

OK, so it’s been a couple days since I have posted. Sorry about that. Anywhoooo, of course the brain has not stopped turning, but it sure has slowed down some since my initial release of emotions. I am quite confident in the decision I have made.

I was talking to my girl last night and she asked me “Why didn't you tell me you were talking to him?” The truth is, I did not tell anyone really. I wanted to be able to make up my own mind about how I felt. I’m not saying my friends opinions don’t matter, and I know they can look at the situation from the outside, but I am ultimately the one who has to live with any decision I make. I am really glad the true colors showed, which angered me to no end, but relieved me as well.

I am a worthy person with many good qualities. I know no one is perfect, and I am certainly no exception to the rule, but that being said, I do not deserve to be treated like I am of no value. My mom has told me on more than one occasion, that my heart is too big. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad thing. I may be a little rough around the edges, but she is right, I really do have a big heart. It also seems I wear my heart on my sleeve, which also can be a good as well as bad.

Randomness

Wow, I really am glad I started this blog. I feel like I have found something in my life I have been missing for a long time. I used to write a lot. Recently I went through some old boxes and found 5 or 6 notebooks full of my writing. I forgot how writing down how I feel help keep the emotions I am feeling keeps from driving me absolutely crazy. I am learning that bottling up how I feel and not having any kind of release it not healthy!!!

My life has not exactly turned out like I thought it would. Not saying that is bad, just not how I ever pictured it growing up. But you know what they say, if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans. Lately I have been getting asked (a lot for some reason), “Don’t you want to get married?” “Don’t you want to have children?” Of course I want those things, but the thing is I’m not going to actively search for it. I have learned in my life that if I look for something, I end up getting the wrong thing. So I am just going to sit back and wait for those things to come to me. If they happen, they happen….if not then that wasn’t in the master plan for me.

If that's how you feel, walk away now.

You have succeeded in making me hate you, something I never thought I could do. Your selfishness made me sick to my stomach, and broke my heart once again. “If that’s how you feel, just walk away now.” Those were the words you spoke to me, without thinking about all you have already put me through. I have earned how I feel. How dare you be so selfish to believe you just magically deserve my trust, my openness, and my friendship back without having to earn it? The part that sucks is how can I hate you so much, yet love you with all my heart at the same time. However, I will not show these feelings to you, you do not deserve them.

I am astonished at how someone I thought I knew so well can become a complete stranger overnight. Somehow I think you are lost, and do not know who you truly are. If this is the case I am relieved what we had has come to an end. I know who and what I wanted out of my life, but do not care to allow you to waste anymore of the time I have in my life, while you try and figure out what you want out of yours.

I guess it was really naïve of me to assume you would not eventually cheat on me, since you did the same thing to the woman who came before me. You have a pattern of taking a person’s heart, and then smashing it into a million pieces.

You told me the day before I confronted you about the fact that you were cheating on me, that a person who cares about you and is a true friend does not treat you with disrespect. Funny, now that I think about it, that sounds kind of hypocritical coming out of your mouth.

What really sucks is, I was just starting to get over it all, to feel better about myself, when you once again burst back in and interrupted my life. Feeding me false promises, false hope. Shame on you for being so self-centered and shame on me for listening to you.

I am, however, glad I stopped listening, and did just as you said….I walked away. But, not for your benefit, I walked away for my own self preservation, my own dignity. It just really sucks that I have to endure once again, this mourning process.

Needless to say, I am not in a place where I can be “Just Friends” with you. Maybe someday, but right now I don’t like who you are, and I cannot be friends with someone I don’t like.