OK, so it’s been a couple days since I have posted. Sorry about that. Anywhoooo, of course the brain has not stopped turning, but it sure has slowed down some since my initial release of emotions. I am quite confident in the decision I have made.
I was talking to my girl last night and she asked me “Why didn't you tell me you were talking to him?” The truth is, I did not tell anyone really. I wanted to be able to make up my own mind about how I felt. I’m not saying my friends opinions don’t matter, and I know they can look at the situation from the outside, but I am ultimately the one who has to live with any decision I make. I am really glad the true colors showed, which angered me to no end, but relieved me as well.
I am a worthy person with many good qualities. I know no one is perfect, and I am certainly no exception to the rule, but that being said, I do not deserve to be treated like I am of no value. My mom has told me on more than one occasion, that my heart is too big. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad thing. I may be a little rough around the edges, but she is right, I really do have a big heart. It also seems I wear my heart on my sleeve, which also can be a good as well as bad.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Randomness
Wow, I really am glad I started this blog. I feel like I have found something in my life I have been missing for a long time. I used to write a lot. Recently I went through some old boxes and found 5 or 6 notebooks full of my writing. I forgot how writing down how I feel help keep the emotions I am feeling keeps from driving me absolutely crazy. I am learning that bottling up how I feel and not having any kind of release it not healthy!!!
My life has not exactly turned out like I thought it would. Not saying that is bad, just not how I ever pictured it growing up. But you know what they say, if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans. Lately I have been getting asked (a lot for some reason), “Don’t you want to get married?” “Don’t you want to have children?” Of course I want those things, but the thing is I’m not going to actively search for it. I have learned in my life that if I look for something, I end up getting the wrong thing. So I am just going to sit back and wait for those things to come to me. If they happen, they happen….if not then that wasn’t in the master plan for me.
My life has not exactly turned out like I thought it would. Not saying that is bad, just not how I ever pictured it growing up. But you know what they say, if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans. Lately I have been getting asked (a lot for some reason), “Don’t you want to get married?” “Don’t you want to have children?” Of course I want those things, but the thing is I’m not going to actively search for it. I have learned in my life that if I look for something, I end up getting the wrong thing. So I am just going to sit back and wait for those things to come to me. If they happen, they happen….if not then that wasn’t in the master plan for me.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
If that's how you feel, walk away now.
You have succeeded in making me hate you, something I never thought I could do. Your selfishness made me sick to my stomach, and broke my heart once again. “If that’s how you feel, just walk away now.” Those were the words you spoke to me, without thinking about all you have already put me through. I have earned how I feel. How dare you be so selfish to believe you just magically deserve my trust, my openness, and my friendship back without having to earn it? The part that sucks is how can I hate you so much, yet love you with all my heart at the same time. However, I will not show these feelings to you, you do not deserve them.
I am astonished at how someone I thought I knew so well can become a complete stranger overnight. Somehow I think you are lost, and do not know who you truly are. If this is the case I am relieved what we had has come to an end. I know who and what I wanted out of my life, but do not care to allow you to waste anymore of the time I have in my life, while you try and figure out what you want out of yours.
I guess it was really naïve of me to assume you would not eventually cheat on me, since you did the same thing to the woman who came before me. You have a pattern of taking a person’s heart, and then smashing it into a million pieces.
You told me the day before I confronted you about the fact that you were cheating on me, that a person who cares about you and is a true friend does not treat you with disrespect. Funny, now that I think about it, that sounds kind of hypocritical coming out of your mouth.
What really sucks is, I was just starting to get over it all, to feel better about myself, when you once again burst back in and interrupted my life. Feeding me false promises, false hope. Shame on you for being so self-centered and shame on me for listening to you.
I am, however, glad I stopped listening, and did just as you said….I walked away. But, not for your benefit, I walked away for my own self preservation, my own dignity. It just really sucks that I have to endure once again, this mourning process.
Needless to say, I am not in a place where I can be “Just Friends” with you. Maybe someday, but right now I don’t like who you are, and I cannot be friends with someone I don’t like.
I am astonished at how someone I thought I knew so well can become a complete stranger overnight. Somehow I think you are lost, and do not know who you truly are. If this is the case I am relieved what we had has come to an end. I know who and what I wanted out of my life, but do not care to allow you to waste anymore of the time I have in my life, while you try and figure out what you want out of yours.
I guess it was really naïve of me to assume you would not eventually cheat on me, since you did the same thing to the woman who came before me. You have a pattern of taking a person’s heart, and then smashing it into a million pieces.
You told me the day before I confronted you about the fact that you were cheating on me, that a person who cares about you and is a true friend does not treat you with disrespect. Funny, now that I think about it, that sounds kind of hypocritical coming out of your mouth.
What really sucks is, I was just starting to get over it all, to feel better about myself, when you once again burst back in and interrupted my life. Feeding me false promises, false hope. Shame on you for being so self-centered and shame on me for listening to you.
I am, however, glad I stopped listening, and did just as you said….I walked away. But, not for your benefit, I walked away for my own self preservation, my own dignity. It just really sucks that I have to endure once again, this mourning process.
Needless to say, I am not in a place where I can be “Just Friends” with you. Maybe someday, but right now I don’t like who you are, and I cannot be friends with someone I don’t like.
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