What I want.

Seems it's been a while since I've posted anything. I started this blog with the intention of giving myself a place to let it all out. To vent, to release my emotions. Writing used to help me do that when I was younger. I don't know why I cant keep up with doing that now. So much has changed since I last wrote. Carter was born. My wonderful, sweet, loving boy. I never thought I'd become a Mom, and I am so grateful I've been given the chance/blessing. My life will never again be the same, and that is a good thing. Before Carter came I was lost. I was lonely, hopeless, bored, and frustrated. My self esteem was at an all time low and I felt like I held no value to anyone, including myself. Throughout my pregnancy I realized that I needed to change how I view myself. Not only for me, but for this wonderful little boy. Because if I can't learn to love an value myself for who I am, and all the wonderful things I have to offer, how can I teach my son to see and value these things in himself? Now I just want to say that this was not an easy task to take on while going through a pregnancy alone. In fact my pregnancy was one of the lonliest times I have experienced in my entire life. I had no one to share the daily changes my body was going through with. No one to come home and talk to about all the wishes and worries I had for my child. And on top of it all, it seems that some of the people in my life, with whom I thought I was close, because distant and almost non-existant. It hurt to know they weren't there, but that is their choice and they are in now way obligated to support me. However, I wasnt completely alone and I had my family to support me, but it's not the same as having a significant other to share it with. Carter has shown me the meaning of true love. This perfect stranger who came into my life and who I loved instantly and whole heartedly. He's shownme that I do deserve to be loved and I have plenty of love to give. He's taught me patience (still working on that though lol) and for those of you who truely know me, you know Im a very impatient person. He's shown me that I do have value, even if at the very least it's only to him. But for some reason it still feels like something is missing. I want to love again. I want to be loved. I want someone who will show me affection, tell me I'm beautiful without having to ask (and they really mean it), someone to hold my hand and give me kisses for no reason. Someone who isn't ashamed to introduce me to their friends, someone who doesn't keep me hidden away like a secret. Someone who doesn't make me feel like they are ashamed to be seen with me in public. Someone who calls just because they miss the sound of my voice. Someone who will actually show me affection. I want these things because I deserve them. Let me say that again. I deserve them. For too long I have believed I don't deserve those things. For too long I thought I wasn't worthy of those simple things. For too long I allowed myself to be treated poorly, to be taken advantage of. I allowed it. I failed to place value on myself, on my heart. For that I am at fault.